Cry Me a River

I've been crying almost non-stop this week. The fact that this is also PMS week might have contributed a little but mostly I've been crying about change. About leaving people behind. About missing things and places. About going out into the unknown and finding that I don't like it there.

I admit that I am very resistant to change. But once I adapt, ok na ako. Case in point, I was crying for two whole months during the time I started my first job. I was crying because I did not like it there. I was crying because people were leaving left and right and I did not understand why. I was crying because it was a change I hadn't adjusted to yet.

My mom was all ready to send me back to college to let me study civil engineering, the course she really wanted for me. If I wasn't so pasang awa in my drafting classes before I would have agreed. (My drawings and drafts were ugleeey. No construction firm would have hired me.) But the ending of the story was that I stayed for 11 years.

Now, I have to make another change again. And while I should be excited, I'm mostly sad at leaving all familiar things and people behind. My family especially. My dad and my mom most especially. I admit that I am still tied to the maternal apron strings. I'm so tied up, I look like a mummy.

Hay, ngano kinahanglan man ta mulayo to seek our fortune? Whatever happened to my simple dreams of living in a nice bungalow in a quiet suburb with my family? When did it start not being enough?

I am so afraid of this change. Of the unknown and what it will turn out to be. I don't know when I can adjust. If I can adjust. But I must adjust. I will adapt. Until then, I am going to cry me tears to fill a river and then some.